October 11, 2012
Just because you’re plastered,

Doesn’t mean I need you singing ‘Gay Pirates’ at me every time you see me. We’re the only two people in this flat. And neither of us are pirates.

October 9, 2012
It doesn’t count as paid leave

if you show up half way through and ask me to kill someone for you.

August 7, 2012
If you get Call Me Maybe stuck in my head one more time,

I will make you into shoes.

July 15, 2012
Right, I get it.

You’re a particular asshole. But I am not cutting the crusts of your sandwiches and making them into little people that you can elaborately kill with the table settings. No matter how bored you are, and no matter many new rifles you offer to buy me.

July 7, 2012
Waking me up by blasting the BeeGee’s through my entire flat is no longer amusing.

Although honestly it wasn’t really that funny to begin with, you twat.

June 22, 2012
Not a barista

Just because you have tabs on the entire city does not mean you are allowed to text me your coffee order every time I pass a Starbucks.

June 21, 2012
I am changing my locks.

For the love of god, I was out of town killing people for you.

How does this give you permission to have your goons rearrange all my furniture? Tell them to put it back before I crush their kneecaps with my rifle. And make them unglue my bed from the ceiling, while you’re at it.