Oh, this is rather brilliant!
(Source: doomslock, via spamsterlady)
My name is Sebastian Moran. I am a world renowned sniper and a war veteran. I kill people for a living. My boss is a sociopath, and he makes me clean up his messes.
This is an account of the shit I have to deal with on a daily basis.
This is an account of the shit I have to deal with on a daily basis.
June 19, 2012
June 18, 2012
June 6, 2012
Please stop threatening to invite my parents over for tea.
Someday they will actually believe you, and then I’m going to have to wash the blood off your tea pot.
May 30, 2012
More things you are not allowed to make me do
- Go grocery shopping for you
- Volunteer at soup kitchens because my discomfort makes you laugh
- Pretend to have an American accent
- paint my favorite gun bright pink
I have lines, and you insist on crossing all of them, you twat.
May 28, 2012
It is not amusing…
To fill my Netflix queue with Disney movies.
I don’t care how many times Bambi made you cry.
May 23, 2012
I am not hired to read you bedtime stories.
Not even if they help you think up your most truly twisted plans.
May 21, 2012
Why do I work for you?
Signing off all my paychecks to ‘Sebbyflufferbutt’ is not hilarious.
May 21, 2012
Not exactly what I had planned…
I didn’t spend a good year or two in the Alps getting taught to yodel by annoyingly peppy blonde girls with goats just so you could make me learn “Stayin’ Alive” and sing songs about Sherlock Holmes.
May 18, 2012
I do not care if your suit is a Westwood.
Ask me to dress up as a tiger and reenact my India hunting trip one more time, and I will tie-dye it heinous colors.
May 18, 2012
I am your gunman, not your nanny.
My list of responsibilities includes:
- Killing people
- Extortion
- Torture
- Shooting things
- Kicking cats
It does NOT include:
- Making you tea
- Picking up your drycleaning because “Your place is closer, Seb, and won’t just be a dear?”
- Killing spiders for you
- Cooking you dinner
