Oh, this is rather brilliant!
Someday they will actually believe you, and then I’m going to have to wash the blood off your tea pot.
- Go grocery shopping for you
- Volunteer at soup kitchens because my discomfort makes you laugh
- Pretend to have an American accent
- paint my favorite gun bright pink
I have lines, and you insist on crossing all of them, you twat.
To fill my Netflix queue with Disney movies.
I don’t care how many times Bambi made you cry.
Not even if they help you think up your most truly twisted plans.
Signing off all my paychecks to ‘Sebbyflufferbutt’ is not hilarious.
I didn’t spend a good year or two in the Alps getting taught to yodel by annoyingly peppy blonde girls with goats just so you could make me learn “Stayin’ Alive” and sing songs about Sherlock Holmes.
Ask me to dress up as a tiger and reenact my India hunting trip one more time, and I will tie-dye it heinous colors.
My list of responsibilities includes:
- Killing people
- Shooting things
- Kicking cats
It does NOT include:
- Making you tea
- Picking up your drycleaning because “Your place is closer, Seb, and won’t just be a dear?”
- Killing spiders for you
- Cooking you dinner